Infantilism and narcissism. Two concepts that are often confused, but even more often they go hand in hand. An infantile person is a "permanent child" who does not want to take responsibility. A narcissist is a "grown-up with a crown on his head" who requires admiration. But if you look closely, they have a lot in common: egocentrism, inability to empathize, low frustration tolerance. Moreover, infantilism can be a mask for narcissism, and narcissism is often fed by infantilism. In this article, we will discuss what they have in common, what distinguishes them, and what to do if you find these traits in yourself or in your loved ones.

What is infantilism in adults

Infantilism is the retention in the psyche of an adult person of traits characteristic of children. It is not a diagnosis, but a personal trait. It manifests in a reluctance to make decisions, shirking responsibility, looking for a "parent" (partner, boss, state) who will arrange everything. An infantile person lives for the day, cannot plan, easily succumbs to immediate desires. He may be charming, spontaneous, but his spontaneity quickly tires. In a crisis situation, he falls into a stupor or a fit of hysteria instead of acting. He does not like to be "taught", but at the same time he constantly moans and complains. Example: a 35-year-old man who lives with his mother, works as a courier, and spends all his free money on games. Or a woman who passes all household chores to her husband and complains about fatigue.

What is narcissism in adults

Narcissism is a personality trait (in its extreme form - a disorder) characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a need for constant admiration, and a lack of empathy. Unlike an infantile person, a narcissist can be very successful, goal-oriented, and even a workaholic. But his success is not an end in itself, but a way to gain admiration. A narcissist cannot tolerate criticism, belittles others, and retaliates for wounded self-esteem. He is not able to have genuine closeness, uses people as a drug to boost his self-esteem. Example: a boss who takes all the credit for his subordinates' achievements and fires them for the slightest disagreement. Or a partner who requires constant attention but is not interested in the feelings of the other.

Similarities: common root

Both the infantile person and the narcissist are egocentric. The world revolves around them, their desires, their grievances. Both are unable to reach a healthy compromise. Both fear adult responsibility (but in different ways: the infantile person avoids it, the narcissist simulates it, actually afraid of failure). Both have low self-esteem under a mask. The infantile person looks insecure, the narcissist - self-assured, but both are vulnerable deep down. Both grew up in dysfunctional families: either overprotection or coldness and violence. Both are bad at handling rejection. If they are refused, the infantile person will be offended and withdraw into himself, the narcissist will go crazy and start retaliating.

Differences: the infantile person does not build grand plans

The infantile person does not aspire to greatness, he wants to be left alone and allowed to play. The narcissist, on the other hand, thirsts for the pedestal. The infantile person may admit his mistake (although only if it does not require effort), the narcissist - never. The infantile person is more like a "lazy child", the narcissist - like a "capricious king". In relationships, the infantile person expects to be taken care of as a child; the narcissist expects worship as a god. The infantile person is prone to addictions (alcohol, games, food), the narcissist - to workaholism and shopaholism (status things). At the same time, a combination is possible: a narcissist may be infantile at home (not wash dishes, not pay bills), but aggressive in his career.

Mixed drink: narcissistic infantilism

The most difficult variant is when traits are mixed. A person simultaneously requires admiration and does not take any real responsibility. He considers himself a genius but cannot pay for an apartment. He yearns for power but is not able to organize even his own day. Such people often become tyrants in the family: they shout, humiliate, but at the same time they do not work or work half-heartedly. They always expect someone else to: the state, parents, partner. At the same time, they sincerely do not understand why others are not thrilled. This is a highly toxic type of personality that ruins everyone who falls into its orbit.

Causes of formation

Both phenomena have their roots in childhood. Infantilism - due to overprotection ("mom will decide everything") or, conversely, due to trauma when a child gets stuck in the stage "I do not want to grow up because adults are cruel". Narcissism - due to the alternation of idealization and devaluation: parents praise (you are a genius) and belittle (you are a nobody). The child learns to protect himself through a grand "I". Often in families with narcissists and infantiles, boundaries were violated, there was no healthy separation. Cultural factors: social networks cultivate infantile needs for likes (instant pleasure) and narcissistic demonstration of success.

How to recognize a combination in a partner

In the beginning of relationships, such a person may be charming (narcissistic "idealization") and spontaneous (infantile lightness). But then you notice: he does not fulfill his promises, shifts the household to you, requires admiration, but does nothing to deserve it. He may have a fit of hysteria if you do not buy him a toy, and the next day demand that you admire his brilliant idea. He does not know how to rejoice in your successes, but constantly complains about his failures. If you try to talk about his behavior, he either attacks ("it's all your fault") or gets offended ("you do not love me"). This is a vicious circle.

Can such people be changed

The easiest to change is pure infantilism without narcissism. If a person realizes the problem and wants to grow up, he is helped by psychotherapy (schema therapy, CBT), training in responsibility, financial planning. Narcissism is treated more difficultly: a narcissist rarely comes to a psychologist because he does not see a problem ("it's the world of fools"). If a narcissist goes to therapy (often due to depression or the loss of a relationship), the process takes years. And the combination of infantilism and narcissism is the worst prognosis. Therapy lasts for years, and success is not guaranteed. Therefore, psychologists often advise partners of such people not to wait for a miracle, but to save themselves.

What to do if you recognize yourself

The first thing is to admit the problem. If you understand that you are that "eternal child" or "crowned egoist", this is already the first step. The second thing is to turn to a psychotherapist. Do not try to cope on your own, the roots are deeper. The third thing is to start with small things: learn to take responsibility for your finances, your emotions, your time. Stop shifting the blame. Learn to say "no" to your whims. And most importantly, stop looking for a "parent" in your partner or boss. This is difficult, painful, but it gives a chance for a happy life. You have the right to make mistakes, but you do not have the right to destroy others with your immaturity.

Infantilism and narcissism are two sides of the same coin of immaturity. They destroy relationships, careers, health. But there is a way out. The path to adulthood lies through pain - the pain of realizing that you are not the center of the universe, that others also have feelings, that life requires effort. But the reward is freedom, respect, and finally, real closeness. Are you ready for it?

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